2011 and so much has happened

I haven't blogged since October.
Yes, I know.
You didn't miss me!

Mostly, I haven't blogged because there's no direction for this space. My roomie Liz has a wonderful blog, Dance to the Radio, dedicated mostly to music, some to fashion.  And she does a wonderful job because that's her jawn.  But what's my jawn?  One of my other friends had a hard time getting me a Christmas gift, just because my interests are super specific, and they usually change with the position of the moon.

And I definitely don't want to talk about my life.  Okay, of course I do, doesn't everyone?  But...  A.) gossip mill.  B.)  dramz.  C.) if none of the above, dull at best.  I could talk about my cat and her idiosyncrasies, but I'm not ready to be labeled as an old cat lady yet.

So, I guess I need suggestions on topics.  Or something.  Direction on what to do here and in my life would be much appreciated.  Especially since I am apparently not a Gemini anymore.

2010 was a year.  I believe that's what 365 consecutive days are called.  I finished college, started grad school, went further in debt, moved, was single, then was not, went to Florida, celebrated holidays and birthdays, and generally trudged through the year.

Okay, that was a really bad reflection.

For now, let me share some goals for 2011, I'm done with 2010.  That is ancient history.
1.  Find a "real" job.
Finding a real job requires effort and showers.  Don't know if I'm up for it yet.  I keep applying and taking personality tests and aptitude tests.  But the going is slow.  Especially since I lack direction on a career and a location.  Sense a theme?

2.  Lose 30 lbs by the end of May, 50 by September.
People hate this.  They think it is unhealthy and whatnot.  Some people don't want to hear about it at all. Like my life isn't supposed to be like The Biggest Loser. REAL people don't weigh that much.  Anyway, I don't hate this goal yet, but talk to me in a week when my legs don't work anymore and all I want is a hot, steaming bowl of delicious macaroni and cheese with a side of black forest cake loaded with vanilla ice cream.  If my arms aren't so sore that I can't lift the fork to my face.

3.  Finish grad school...
...without punching someone in the face or failing a class due to lack of interest.

4.  Finish Landmark curriculum.
I took a great class called Landmark that basically gave me the tools to handle life and make it work.  Despite the teasing by most friends, I found it really helpful and am continuing the education so that I can live with direction and power.  So that's on the list...

5.  Write a novel/screenplay in a month.
This is going to happen in February or April.  I'm so excited.  No showers necessary.

6.  Learn Espanol.
Enough to get by in Tijuana.

Goals, goals, goals.  This year, the score is going to be Universe: 1,297,283 Me: 6

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get through this crazy professor's boring ass economics class.  Then I have a date at an Irish Pub with an Irish bartendar.  I really wish alcohol was zero calories.

Maximizing Utility

And there it is folks, it's all in the title.  Ima geek for economics.  Which is why I'm "concentrating" in economics for my MBA.  In fact, I'm concentrating so hard on it, that I have to take 3 whole classes.

At the breakfast table, the blonde wouldn't stop staring at the orange juice container.  Why?  Because it say "100% concentrate".

Ba-da-dum!  Thanks, I'll be here all week!

On a side note, grad school has actually helped me become smarter.  I walked into the classroom I thought ECON 698 was taught in, looked at all the young, eager, fresh-faced kids, realized that they were in no way grad students, and left.  They looked at me kind of funny, but I ended up in the right classroom before the embarrassing "this class is BLAH 666, so if you're in the wrong classroom leave now.  Let's do roll."

Anyway....utility = happiness in economics.  For 5 years now, I've worked 30-45 hours a week while taking a full class load.  In the nine months I have left of college, I'm going to work 25 hours a weekend, and take the weekdays off.  And while I may not be happy this weekend flinging margaritas and wing jawns at people, this week has been one of the happiest of my college experience.  Hanging out with my cat (Nelly) and doing homework.  And sending ridiculous emails to my roommates.

For example:
----------------------------------------------------------
Subject:  the reason why nelly has three names
To:  my roomies

http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/tseliot/5536

bahahaha i wish i had actually planned this.

---------------------------------------------------------

The link is to TS Eliot (and no Google, I did not mean TS Elliot) and his poem about why cats have three names.  

My cat's name:  Nelly Shaniqua Furtado.  

I really do wish I had planned it.

ANYway.  There is no substance to this post.  But, maybe tomorrow?  OH WAIT.  17 hour shift tomorrow.  Maybe Monday!  If I can find time between hanging out with Nelly and sending my roommates annoying retarded emails.  I lead a rough life.  I know, I should write a book and sell the movie rights to Lifetime.

Headlines You Should Read:

Walmart has Saboteurs 

 What PA should do

Jimmy Eat World's New Album Rocks (and so does Liz's new blog header)

What Justin Bieber Said

 What Kurt Cobain Said Back

Graphic Novella Time

Because I could not possibly relate to you in words what I am feeling right now...PICTURES!

I took a week off of work because I was too burnt out to continue without punching a lot of customers in the face, screaming "EFF YOU, I'M HUMAN TOO, AND I QUIT" and walking out.  After ordering a bunch of unwanted food for every single table in the restaurant.

Enuff said.

So I drowned my sorrows in shopping.  In the process I watched my lovely roommie Liz wrestle with a size 2 mannequin.

And then hosted a weekend of debauchery with my good friend David.  We had shots.  Lots and lots of shots. 

(HAPPY BIRTHDAY POGSTER!)

The next day, I got a call about an old car who had a flat.  Ah, Ford Probes.  What a lovely heap of junk.  It was my first car and I loved it dearly.  Got in lots of accidents.  However, my car looked much better than this one...probably because I got rid of it 4 years ago.

We stripped the nuts.  Just jack it up!  SO MANY EUPHEMISMS, SO LITTLE TIME.

So we made it a drinking game.  Another reason why I love West Phill-ay.

Later in the week, I soberly travelled home to witness my brother's graduation.  We were at the dinner table celebrating our family's 3 birthdays, 2 graduations, and Fathers' Day all at once.  Lots of opening of gifts.  My mother yelled at my little brother about leaving the price stickers on my older bro's present.  Then proceeded to hand out these gifts to her three children.

Note the present price sticker.  She frantically started ripping the gifts out of our hands to peel the stickers off, only for my smartass lil brother to point out the price was in Australian dollars, not USD.  (The reason the picture was so blurry was because I was fighting my 62 year-old mother off of me, after she knew the sticker was not in USD.  That's how opposed she is to price tags on gifts.)

Needless to say, it was one of those bust-a-gut times when you're not supposed to laugh, but you just have too.

Being in Central PA is kind of relaxing.  I forgot how much I missed having a car and blasting music.  And how much I love buying fresh food from the Amish.

Oh, and how much I love the cheap drugs stuff.

I hope you looked carefully at that picture.
If you didn't laugh, you didn't look carefully enough.

My time in Central PA comes to a premature end as we are all traveling back to Philly for my graduation Saturday.  So, until then, here is the token photograph of Nelly.  Playing/eating a piece of paper.  Not just once, she was going at it ALL WEEK LONG (twss?)!

I think it's safe to say she will never graduate from school.  But here is photographic evidence that the cat can eat my homework.

FIN.

Graphic Novella Ahora

Despite sitting through a three hour interview today and drinking entirely too much sangria, I bring you the second graphic novella.  Everyone I know is miserable right now.  It's the end of a college term with more classes to come.  Doesn't that just put a damper on everyone's mood?  It's SUMMER.  But it's so hot.  I changed outfits 4 times today.  And I'm still sweaty.  Sitting in my air conditioned room.  Because it's that muggy.  Thank you Philadelphia.

Everyone is miserable because we haven't figured our lives out yet, we feel stuck in an unfulfilling  life with futures that are neither what we expected or dreamed.  Will we ever be happy?

I'd be a lot happier if I didn't have to see this butt-crack at work before my 12 hour shift started.

Dude was just randomly on the phone outside my job, in the Grotto, which is where we all hang out and drink, do drugs, make phone calls and sit before our shift starts.  He moved immediately after I took the picture which caused my co-workers to say "did you get it?!" and being the creeper I am, of course I did!   God forbid anyone buys me a camera that does well with "action" shots.

Honestly, all I've done the past few days has been a lot of work and a lot of drinking.  Being completely unmotivated to finish my last few assignments, I've been making bad decisions.  Like...

Scooters is an absolutely legitimate bar.  I mean, c'mon, look at the wood paneling outside.  And "Ladies Night" $3 appletinis?  Absolutely high quality.  We only charge $2.25 for Ice Tea at my corporate joint after all, $3 probably buys Rohypnol too!  And I don't know who that Jay Rider is, but he probably doesn't expect a lot of ass at the end of the night or anything....

Let's just say, every "Ladies Night" I've gone to has ended in a puddle of puke in front of my stoop.  True. Story.

But I do enjoy drinks like this.

(Strawberry Mojito - Sava's - $4 - DELICIOUS.)

This.

(Long Island in far too large a glass.  Oscar's - Dive Bar - Center City Philly - Do you even have to pay for drinks at Oscars?  Definitely less than $5.)

And this.

Yum beer!  This is my kitchen manager at my general manager's going away party.  It was sad because nobody really liked the guy.  The KM offered to drive me and another co-worker "home".  The KM was in the middle of pointing out the hilarity of telling the lame manager we were leaving to go "home" when "home" meant 3 other bars, I pointed out the fact that he just passed a "Road Closed" sign.

Favorite quote ever:

"Well, I'm not drunk, but I would definitely get a DUI.  So...we're gonna go over the sidewalk instead of going in reverse."

That gets you a disapproval look.

After a night like that (and by that I mean a shot and beer at every stop and a loss of money and dignity) my stomach wants nothing more than greasy Chinese food.  And if it's veg, even better.

Seriously, look at that cabbage bowl.  Delicious.

And as always, we'll end with a Nelly snapshot.  Because my week really wouldn't be complete without her.

Cuteshit.

Have a good hump day!

Comics and Whatnot

I may be going insane.  Or I may be hungover.  Or I may be going through nicotine withdrawal.  Or I may just be burnt out.  Or all of the above.  (If this was a multiple choice question on the exam of my life, the correct answer would be the last option.)

So I'm just going to share some hilarious comics I've found over the past few days on the internets.  I was going to blog about how I hate bread, but the humor in me is as dry as a post-menopausal woman's...hair...GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER.

But put it back in the gutter for this one:

Now substitute that orange looking thing with this bitch:

Isn't she adorable??

Next up, to compliment my roomie Liz's blog post about boys and our countless conversations about how Disney/Hollywood ruined our expectations for a perfect boy:

We were right.  It was all bullpoop.  Speaking of poop...
I told two friends yesterday that poop is super important.  Depending on what comes out you are either healthy or not.  Because Scrubs told me so.



For your reference, here is a chart of poo.

You're welcome.

These last two are self explanatory and I have no good segwey for them.  I just don't want the last thing you take away from this edition of Stooptime to be poop.  Just so there are no unconscious pairings going on.

I'm toying with the idea of deleting Facebook.  But I would need moral support.  And a peer support group.  And another networking outlet.

Steve Jobs?  Bill Gates?  What you got cooking in those little tech companies of yours?

Asshats.  (Thanks for making this blog possible.)

Enjoy this Wednesday.  It's super warm.  OH, and don't forget to hold your breath until 10 p.m.  Apparently the air is toxic right now.  Air Warning #1 AND #2 are in effect people!!

Needs a Notebook

This one needs....a new liver. AND a notebook. AND a better work schedule with more money and less work. Preferably.

I feel like the only thing I can do about the above list though is buy a damn notebook already. Cuz a liver costs a little bit too much. And the only way to do the last thing is find a sugar daddy. And I tried that already. It was fun, but....well, that's another story for another day.

About the notebook. I have a lot of ideas for blog posts. And for potential businesses. But I fail to write them down. Or if I do, it's on the back of a receipt from Wawa that gets thrown away with the bag, or covered in cat poo when I clean out Nelly's litter.

I love her and I love business ideas and I love blogging. But I'm not digging through ammonia and cat poo to pull out a receipt that may or may not have a million dollar idea on it. Or an entertaining one. I feel like it crosses a hypothetical line that I feel sometimes needs to be thrown down in my life so I can toe at it.

Anyway. I need a notebook. One that fits in a messenger bag and has a spot for a pen that I can't lose.

If I had a notebook I might be blogging about a ton of things. Such as:

1. Having a notebook.

2. Central PA and my awesome adventures there.

3. Cultural differences among races in urban areas. The melting pot paradox if you will.

4. How I love my spiffy, hipster-looking notebook.

5. Funny or ironic things. Like Hiney Hiders.

6. How I have a perfect entrepreneurial personality. (We're talking about it in class...characteristics: hates failure, obsessive, works over 60 hours a week, competitive, etc).

7. About how I didn't have a pen, but I had my notebook, which means I had a pen.

8. The other 37 ideas I had for interesting blog posts this week while I didn't have internet.

9. How I need a job. And ideas for getting one.

10. Schmandrew Schmangle mangles management. Or bathroom graffiti. Which would lead me on an interesting/slightly eccentric discussion about murals in Philly.

11. How jealous I am of my best friend's notebook. Actually all of my male best friends' have notebooks that make me green with envy.

12. My new work crush. Who is adorable.

In lieu of writing about any of those 11 things, I'm going to go back to "paying attention" in class. This term will surely kick my butt. Yay graduating senior!!

Melatonin and the Circadian Cycle

Working at the restaurant has completely messed up my sleep cycle. It is currently 4:30 a.m. Recently, I've been waking up between 4 a.m. and 6 a.m., doing a bunch of homework, then going back to sleep. I mean, there's not much to do at 4 a.m., not a lot of distractions, and if I'm wide awake I might as well be up doing the work I don't have time to do otherwise.

Now the questions is, do I want to take melatonin or some other sleep aid to help me out? For now, I think the answer is no. For one thing, I put enough shit into my body, I don't think another hormone is a good idea. For another thing, if I didn't have random bursts of energy at 4 a.m., I might not be able to handle life.

Now, to share something I found rather hilarious. Lyla, Liz, and myself hung out the other night in an epic tale of awesomeness (not that anything extraordinary happened, but we are pretty much the shiznit). We happened to purchase pineapple soda to mix with vodka from the corner (ghetto) store. I pulled it out of the refrigerator.

So obviously, looking at the bottle I was like "Cool, Large 2 Liter. What makes it large?" I looked on the labeling, saw that the bottom said 2 Liters (67.6 fluid oz). So, I was confused, and I told Liz and Lyla that.

Then I turned the bottle about 45 degrees clockwise.

BAHAHAHAHAHA. It's 100% more than a 1 Liter. BAHAHAHAHA. Makes TOTAL sense now. That's why it's a "big" 2 liter. I feel like the pineapple soda had a little issue with it's size, so it compensated by using different labeling. I like it, it's a lot more productive than a lot of other over-compensating...did I just say tha...wha???

[And now an apology to my two biggest blog fans for rehashing exactly what happened the other night. To be fair, I warned you. XOXO]

In other news, I MIGHT BE ABLE TO GO TO CHILE FOR FREE!!! I'm trying not to be super excited about this prospect but I totally am. If I get picked, I get to spend a week in Santiago blogging about life, for free. Yes. I am stoked. Let's see, one week working at the restuarant vs. one week in Chile. Blogging. For free. And drinking. Lots. For free. And taking pictures. For free. It's like they are offering a deal tailored specifically to me. Free booze, food, nice hotel, warm weather, and all for the small price of blogging. Which I love doing anyway. Bring it on. Here's to hoping.

Currently the weather is snowy - and Nelly is my only distraction. Isn't she adorable?

Or she would be adorable if you could see ANY picture of her where her entire body didn't look like a giant black blob.

Off to finish my homework and then go to bed. I'm pretty sure Economics will put me to sleep, if writing about the European Union doesn't do the trick.

My apologies

I may have posted on here, definitely on facebook, about a certain slut I saw with a "Girl On Top" add glossy kissy face here bag. Anyway, my apologies. While you still look like a slut, I see your cause. "Girl on Top" is a book by Nicole Miller.

"In Girl on Top, career expert Nicole Williams takes 20 tried-and-true dating rules you know (and have probably used) such as "Play Hard to Get" and "Don’t Give Away the Milk

for Free"—and shows you how to put them to use when the object of your affection is your job. With her ingenious approach—taking the tactics used to

land a man and applying them to your career—you’ll be able to handle any work situation and come out on top. Finally, the advice no one else has been willing to tell you, right at your

fingertips!" -Link

I have two classes with a girl that I saw had the bag too!! Since I was pretty sure she wasn't whore material, I asked her about it. Apparently this book is really good and provides great advice for women in the workforce. Quite frankly, it seems a little like Cosmo, and Cosmo does not give good sex advice. How do I know? Not from experience, thank goodness, only because I've jokingly read sections to guys who have been like "if a girl EVER did that to me, I'd take my penis and run far, far away." I'm not willing to risk my career on a reaction like that.

While I understand the concept behind the book and the slutty bags, I just want to point out one thing. If you Google "girl on top" like I had to for this post, these are your results.

Notice the second result is a girl asking for advice on Girl On Top positions and the third result...Cosmo's advice on the Reverse Cowgirl. [I'd like to take a minute and say, thank you Google for believing that I would want my first result to be a book rather than sex advice. Okay, moment over.] You're welcome for the warning that Cosmo's advice is terrible.

On a totally different note, I got an email today that made me snicker. I recently bought flea medication for my cat through PetMeds.com. Now, I understand customer service, and when companies make a good effort it makes me happy. That being said...here is a picture of my cat.

Or rather, a few. Just so you get a good idea.

She's soo cute. [Bitchface.]

And here is the email they sent me.

If they hadn't labeled the picture as "Nelly" I probably wouldn't have lol-ed.

Happy Friday! Don't forget to smile, and take a shot.

Confessions of a Rom-Com Lover

I love Rom-Coms. Yes, me. For those that know me, this may be a tad bit hard to believe, but I really do enjoy rom-coms. Yes, even really horrible ones. Like the one I watched tonight - Confessions of a Shopaholic.

The whole premise of the movie is about a journalist (picture Legally Blonde, but with an IQ about 10 points higher) who is in a load of debt. Becks wants to write for a fashion magazine, but instead gets a job at a sister magazine, one about finance. The way she got the job - a tequila fueled letter to the editor, which she meant to send to the fashion magazine editor but instead, mixed up the addressed envelopes in a alcohol induced screw up. Turns out, the financial editor really liked her "new spin on things" and the "girl in the green scarf" became a hit throughout the magazine industry. Basically, things catch up to Becks, but in the end, she pays her debt, learns a valuable lesson, patches things up with everyone who she alienated through her lies, gets back at the bitchy glamor girl, and wins the extremely dashing man with a British accent's affection. All wrapped up in a neat 1 hour and 44 minutes.

And I loved it.

Even though it was completely ridiculous and implausible.

Which is why I enjoy watching rom-coms only alone, or with other rom-com lovers.

I like how everyone's life always turns out well, even in the most dire circumstances. I like how reality doesn't really matter. I love the ridiculousness of the entire plot. Rom-coms stay true to themselves. Usually when I'm watching a movie, I pick apart every detail, question all plot holes, and pay attention to details - like in the same scene a clock will read 10:30 and 11:30 during the same conversation. I'm a movie cynic. But I love rom-coms. And I'm willing to suspend belief for that 1 hour and 44 minutes every time.

The thought did cross my mind that in real life, Becks would be homeless (or living with her parents), never had a job past staff writer (she certainly didn't have the work ethics or smarts to be a freelance journalist), would've been ignored by the handsomest man on the planet, and probably would have ended up either dead via suicide, or an old bag lady. But none of that happened in the movie, so good for you Becks!

So when I'm 35, you can probably find me eating ice cream, cuddling with my cat, and enjoying a wonderfully fantastically horrible rom-com completely alone and also completely happy.

Oh wait, you can probably find me doing that now.

Hmm...long time no see

So, it's been awhile since my last blog post, although there has been a lot to post about.

I don't know why I keep putting it off, probably because blogging makes me think honestly about things and I just haven't had the energy lately. But here's some things you need to know about life.

1. See Inglorious Basterds...even if you hate it, it is a GREAT movie.

2. ...

Okay I'm having trouble coming up with more things. In other news, the neighbors came over today. I invited them for a little get together we were throwing for Nelly's birthday/Andrea got called off work day/let's just play beer pong and forget about life day. We bought a keg, everyone chipped in, and we had a great time! Gosh, I love this city.

Tomorrow, I will try to do better than this lame post, but it's vacation, so I promise nothing.

Peace.