How I Made 5 Dolla'

“Revenge and punishment are different things. Punishment is inflicted for the sake of the person punished; revenge for that of the punisher, to satisfy his feelings.”

Sorry, I love quotes, and I had to share that. (Read a stellar article here: an acquaintance from a former writing class wrote it!)

Onto more shallow things.

I made extra money last night at this restaurant I work at. I had no more than three tables at a time, so I wasn't doing much work. Sat around for 45 minutes watching the Phillies beat the Dodgers into a bloody pulp on the big screen TV. Took a lot of breaks. Went on a Starbucks errand. Generally dicked around a bunch. Minimal work, minimal pay. This is how a restaurant works.

However, last night, I hit the proverbial jackpot. Meaning, I made a 50% tip off of a table. Without them knowing. [Heck-to-the-yes!]

Table 31. A couple. African American. Early 30s. Intoxication level: guy, slammed; girl, tipsy. Time: 9:15 p.m. 45 minutes before the margarita special and 1 hour and 45 minutes before the half off food special.

So I say hello, chat them up a bit, because I can tell they are part of a certain breed of restaurant go-er that enjoys a little flirting. Get them their margaritas, then their food, all before 10:45. In the course of flirting (yes, I am a shameless whore, I will do anything for that extra 5% tip...within reason...) the guy tells me I "look like that girl, you know, that girl that's the daughter of that guy...well, she's a model, and you look like her! Except your lips aren't that big."

Now, in the course of serving I've been called many things. Including, but not limited to, a pretty version of Rumor Willis (hatred still burns for that statement, there is nothing pretty about her), a taller version of Kelly Osbourne (yea, gurl), "white girl", and a "curvier" version of Angelina Jolie. Funnily enough, most comments come from the way I wear my hair or my lips. I don't understand this, but perhaps I've just seen my lips too many times to think about them.

Anyway, I drop the check at 10:45. By 11 p.m. one of my dear friends says "hey, there's a scam you can run. Don't close your tables if they pay in cash." Without going into criminalizing details, the computer system has a glitch which allows you to keep extra money.

Basically, I dropped the $26.75 (or close to) check. The table gave me $30. About 18% tip. Great! I'll take it! Then, I ran the scam and made an extra $5.25 off the check. Now, I just made about $9 off of a $26.75 check. 33% tip. [Heck-to-the-yes!] I'm so happy, I could just take a break! Which is promptly what I did.

When I walked back past the table, the guy handed me an extra $5 "because you look like a model. You know, with smaller lips." Well thank you so much sir. I hope you guys have a wonderful night, come again.

So, $14 off of $26. A little over 50% gratuity.

Almost as good as that time someone handed me a $50 bill to keep one guy's water glass filled for an hour.