Extremely Rare

Like most girls, I have a self-confidence issue. Mine pertains mostly to the whole "no one would wanna sleep/date/makeout a lil with me" ordeal, rather than the "I always look like crap" or the "I won't eat because someone called me fat" or the "I can't hang because I think I'm dumb, boring, and ugly." Or maybe I'm just naive. Based on my past experience, I'm probably just really naive.

Over the past year, things have changed a lot for me though. I've had multiple hookups, a bf or two, and someone crushing on me. However, being a typical crazy girl, I didn't really "get it" until the other day at work when I had a conversation with a regular.

A bartender at work really wants to sleep with me. We always make inappropriate jokes towards each other, and the regular (Nate) always hears it. The other day I told Nate: you know, it's all in good fun, but he really does wanna sleep with me. And Nate responded: I don't blame him. Wtf?!?! Really?!?! People see me in this light?!?! Weird.

That day me and the bartender both got off work early and decided to go to a local Irish pub for a few drinks. Luckily, we met my roommate Liz on the way, who decided to join us. This provided me with a much needed safety blanket. We all had a great time, and, per usual, I awkwardly paid for nothing. But, per usual, our tab was a fraction of what it should've been, so I don't feel as bad I do normally.

The entire time I could only think about "THE TALK" that was looming with another man. Everyone's been there and I've been here twice. The first time I had to have the talk with a man, it wasn't as big of a deal because I knew we would easily stay friends, and I also knew exactly what would happen. For those of you wondering what "THE TALK" entails...long story short, I've been with this guy for 9 months now, and the past 4 have made some sort of emotional attachment/relationship develop. Now I like him and he likes me. So we have to make a conscious decision to move on or stop. There's no in-between. There's either a dreaded relationship or the end of a really great situation.

We had the talk last night. It took me three weeks to decide that I actually want to continue this relationship, continue being happy. Now, I have to wait for him to decide if that's also what he wants. I hate this. I have to wait. And I'm not at all sure about the outcome.

So the weekend will be devoted to restraining my texting, hanging out with friends, drinking beer as the snow falls, and just waiting. Waiting for someone who has become a huge part of my life to decide whether he will continue to be a huge part of my life. Next week, I may have to figure out how to fill a void.

This is an extremely rare situation for me, and I am not at all enjoying it.

Cheers.