We'll do a newsroundup today...as always, the headlines from the "Latest News" portion of CNN.com. Sorry, today's didn't have a big opportunity to be as funny as those in the past.
Latest News
Thousands flee huge mall fire in Bangladesh
Sounds Like: Thousands of fleas in mall, fire started to make them flee
Probably Is: =(
CNNMoney: Stocks look for gain number 4
Sounds Like: In the stock car race, there is a change of leader, for the fourth time
Probably Is: Stock market news that no one cares about. Touchdownturnaround.
Anna Nicole's boyfriend, doctor charged
Sounds Like: The boyfriend and the doctor charged at each other with guns ablazin’
Probably Is: 67 years later, someone is being prosecuted for killing the infamous gold-digger
Shooter unhappy at failed dreams, police say
Sounds Like: Simon says people are unhappy when they don’t achieve their dreams.
Probably Is: Some kid shot 15 people and then killed himself because he didn’t achieve his dreams at the age of 18 (this is just a guess).
Bob Greene: We'll never know why they kill
Sounds Like: ::Looking at chimpanzees:: “We’ll just never know why they like to kill themselves”
Probably Is: A look into the effed up psyche of mass murders and serial killers.
Brown: SEC must learn from Madoff case
Sounds Like: Professor: “It’s a case study. Study the case. Learn it. Think about it.”
Probably Is: An admonition of the SEC for not catching the Ponzi scheme/doing their jobs.
iReport.com: 'I've never had health insurance'
Sounds Like: A lie. Whose parents NEVER had health insurance? It’s free for kids in practically every state!
Probably Is: WAHHHHH my life SUCKKKSSSS, I can’t afford health insurance. Tear.
Sexy photos of tot mom partying surface
Sounds Like: Mom’s can part-tay!
Probably Is: A Mom got caught partying. Bad Mom, Bad!
Navarrette: Don't blame illegal immigrants
Sounds Like: Take pity on the poor illegal immigrants. They have to hide from the IMS ya know.
Probably Is: A decent argument letting America know that the bad economy isn’t due to the only people who will do some of the hard labor in the US.
'Irreversible' climate change warning
Sounds Like: What we’ve been told for the past 10 years.
Probably Is: What we’ve been told for the past 10 years. Policy changes to follow.
Police using Twitter to keep public informed
Sounds Like: Public service catching up with technology? Nonsense.
Probably Is: Public service catching up with technology? Possibly!
FDA hazy on e-cigarettes' safety
Sounds Like: Smoking a cigarette through the internet: Safe or no? Perhaps hazy.
IS (I had to look it up): A really interesting new product that is a plastic “cigarette” that only has liquid nicotine in it.
Stewart slings barbs face-to-face with Cramer
Sounds Like: A duel, with barbs. Big metal ones (that’s what she said).
Probably Is: A funnyman duel. On the TV. Woot.
Will Oprah's summit help Rihanna?
Sounds Like: A refuge named Rihanna may be helped by Mother Teresa’s Oprah’s summit.
Probably Is: “Gurl, you write a book, and I'll put it on my book club, and everyone will read it. Just make sure you site all of your mistakes with that woman beating EX-boyfriend of yours. Oh and he better be an EX."
Ticker: Obama aide on leave during investigation
Sounds Like: OOOOO scandalous…the first “investigation” in the newly led White House.
Probably Is: Not that interesting.
Lawyer confronts Hulk Hogan
Sounds Like: On the mat, a lawyer takes on Hulk Hogan for kicks…and money for the hospital bill to follow.
Probably Is: A continuing part that is the saga of Hulk’s divorce from his slutty wife.
Diver fights off 12-foor tiger shark
Sounds Like: 12-floors of tiger sharks fought by diver in swimming pool.
Probably Is: A massive achievement for the Diver – whose prize is living.
Joke:
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."
The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.
Marketing the iPhone to hipsters:
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