News Titles

Today I have decided to examine titles that the media chooses to use to label their stories with. This should be quite entertaining actually!

From CNN.com
Latest News
· Pastor: GOP downplays Palin's Pentecostal past
Sounds like: Palin is a Penecostal and the GOP ain't liking it
What it probably is: B-O-R-I-N-G political article
· Ticker: Why Obama lost his lead
Sounds like: Obama decided to nap during one of McCain's speeches - and he just didn't wake up (think, Tortoise and the Hare, only now, The Old and the Young)
What it probably is: another B-O-R-I-N-G political article, but since it's about Obama, more people will read it and be offended that he lost his lead (probably "because he's black", is what they'll say - and who knows, they may be right - I didn't read it)
· Bush to announce Iraq troop reduction
Sounds like: OMG, later, Bush is going to do a SUPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT about troop reduction in Iraq
What it probably is: Bush is going to announce that one troop per week will be reducted from Iraq’s score
· Secret killing program key in Iraq, author says
Sounds like: There’s a computer program, in Iraq that has a special secret code thing that kills people.
What it probably is: Another conspiracy theory that will never be proven wrong or right.
· Zardari sworn in as Pakistan president
Sounds like: There’s a new Pakistani president
What it probably is: There’s a Pakistani president that the U.S. really didn’t want to win because he’s mentally unstable and is now sitting on a bunch of nuclear power. I.e. one day, he’s going say “I’m depressed…who don’t I like anymore…POW!” WWIII anyone?
· CNNMoney: Gas down 11 percent from July high
Sounds like: In August, 11% less people got high from gas.
What it probably is: Gas costs 11% less than in July. Which,, if we do the math, comes to about $0.40 lower. WOOT.
· Cancer didn't dash Olympic swimmer's dream
Sounds like: OMG, MICHEAL PHELPS HAS CANCER!?!?! He is the ONLY swimmer, right?
What it probably is: an Olympian fought cancer and won – just like Lance Armstrong.
· Don't use this trial to 'punish' O.J., judge says
Sounds like: They ran out of news, so they reverted back to the OJ trial again
What it probably is: OJ got in trouble. Again?
· Rice: I don't see enough blacks at my job
Sounds like: Not enough black specks are in the rice fields.
What it probably is: One of the most powerful women, who is also black, wants to see more of her kind in her kind of job. But I think her job involves a lot of traveling, so maybe she just wants to go to Africa or Jamaica or somewhere more?
· Dad, son saved after more than 12 hours at sea
Sounds like: A guy who was a dad and a son was saved after spending 12 hours in the ocean
What it probably is: A guy who was a dad and a son was saved after spending 12 hours in the ocean
· 'Miracle' survivors share traits, author says
Sounds like: They survived a miracle, now they look and act similar.
What it probably is: Survivors that shouldn’t have survived now share traits like loving life, and not taking stuff for granted, blah, blah, blah.
· Police used Tasers more on blacks, city finds
Sounds like: Police are abusing blacks, and the city found out.
What it probably is: Some statistical study showing that minorities get Tased more often. (I wonder how well the study did. Did they take the same number of minority and non-minority arrests, did they go to the situations to see how scary they were and then rate them on a scale from 1-10, 5 being a good place to use a taser? I bet they don’t say.
· World leader in hot water over cooking show
Sounds like: Rachael Ray was boiling a world leader above her audience’s head?!?!
What it probably is: A non-politically-correct comment was made at a cooking show. And someone was offended.
· Minivan crushes bicyclist, doesn't stop
Sounds like: What happens in Philly everyday.
What it probably is: Some horrible travesty because it was a little kid that was crushed or something.
· Who'd win a McCain-Obama dance-off?
Sounds like: ABSURD. Do they need to ask? I think the question should be “who would drop dead first after exercising?”
What it probably is: Someone trying to be funny.
· 'Stuff White People Like': Tibet, yoga, DJs
Sounds like: White people like Tibet, yoga and DJs.
What it probably is: The truth.
· CNN Wire: Polish man arrested; daughter...
Sounds like: A polish man was arrested, and his daughter disappeared into three tiny dots.
What it probably is: Polish man arrested; daughter flees OR cries OR dies OR bails him out?