Sometimes the world just looks grey

Today is one of those days that I just want to turn around, go back home, crawl into my bed, and pretend like I'm still a little kid who can sleep in until noon and get up to watch cartoons.  The biggest worry in the world is whether or not it will be nice outside so I can play, or whether or not my mom will cut my sandwich diagonally instead of horizontally.

Last night I was having a lot of anxiety.  I told myself to knock it off.  After all, life is okay right now.  But I have so many doubts about the future.  Especially career and money-wise.  Student loans are going to be due soon, and while I could put them off for another year, I don't know if accumulating the extra interest is worth it.  I feel like I'm stuck in some sort of horror story about growing up, like no one prepared me for how difficult it would be.  Everything has its pros and cons.  I used to think that once I was married with a kid and a house that I'd never have to worry again.  I'd have love, a family, a house, food, and a future.  Eventually I'd grow old and have grandkids and would be able to sit out on the porch every night on a bench swing without a care in the world.

But lately reality set in.  I'm still far away from growing up.  And no matter what, relationships are hard work.  Stuff is always going to go wrong.  I'm still going to have to work on growing up.  That part where life gets easy never really happens, and sometimes that scares me silly.  Because I'm already just so tired.

Of course, that is a downright depressing way to look at things.

My life is really great right now.  I'm starting an etsy shop to sell cards that I love making.  My family is now okay and healthy.  I have a great boyfriend and awesome friends.  Finally, I have found a workout routine that works for me post-college and during the colder months.  I currently have a job, and even when it ends, I have yet another job that will allow me to pay bills and rent.  I'm not homeless, hungry, or abused.  I have more than a lot of other people in this world. 

So I'm going to focus on that and when the anxiety wells up, I'm going to allow myself to be human.  I'm not going to make myself wrong for feeling overwhelmed and angry.  Those feelings are not fun, but they are a part of being human.  And none of that makes me a weak or inept person. 

Just a real one.