News in a Nutshell

(I want to preface this post with saying that this is a satire.  Because I say some very opinionated things in here that could be taken as hate towards Philadelphia or the government.  But really, I get all warm and fuzzy inside every time I think about both subjects.  Damn, I just can't stop being satanical satirical.)

At Loretta's last night, we watched Law & Order SVU which was immediately followed by an ad for Law & Order LA.  Seriously L&O.  Seriously?  Why don't you just name yourselves PDA (Police Department/District Attorney), team yourselves up with CSI and whore yourselves out start investigating in every city.  I may be biased and angry based on the fact you are getting rid of Stabler.  Stabler.  The person everyone fantasizes about.  How are you going to replace him?!?!  (Who else would be immediately attractive after getting raped?!?!)

After SVU was over, the news came on.  They enticed us with several interesting pieces which I immediately (and cynically) told Loretta would be on at 11:55, instead of 11.  Since they went straight to the stuff I wanted to hear, I'll regurgitate it here.  In a much more interesting way.  Also without a fake smile on my face.  Seriously.  Frowning.  Right now.

First up was about our lovely city being in movies.  For instance, Bradley Cooper and Robert De Niro are filming The Dark Fields here now.  And guess what?!  My friend is in the movie!!!  He got to meet Bradley Cooper and do a whole scene with him!  Super duper exciting!!!  I wish I was an actress sometimes.  But I know I would just look at Bradley Cooper with please-do-me eyes and never get a word in edgewise.

My friend was not on the news.  So moving on.  Pennsylvania apparently provided about $74 million in tax breaks to the film industry if they film the majority of any production in PA in 2009 (and every year prior).  This helps with job security and getting Pennsylvania on the big screen.  This year however, the budget has already been allocated to projects currently (or soon to begin) filming.  Therefore, filming crews blocking roads and sidewalks and bike lanes will be significantly reduced...until PA gets their priorities straight and stops giving money to the public school systems.  (Come on, we already shut down the libraries, let's just get rid of kindergardeners.  Who needs them it?)

This filming loss is obviously tragic for Philly since things like "Rocky" and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" keep this city running day-to-day.  Who will we look up to now?  And what will the public do if there aren't random green men running around the city?!

How about Sir Richard.  That's right.  Next item in the news was about Sir Richard's Tavern.  Conveniently located on 44th and Lancaster Ave.  Apparently an ex-convict owns it and it is number 4 on Philly's Finest's "most dangerous/most police calls and visits for a bar" list.  I'll tell you what.  Why don't you come over, and we'll hop on the 10 Trolley.  $2 and about 30 seconds later, we'll be there!  Afterwards, we can make all the bad decisions we want to because on the way back, the 10 Trolley will drop us off right in front of an abortion clinic.  Don't worry they're real cheap.  It costs about $5, as long as they don't have to wash their hands and can keep the fetus in a jar for kicks and giggles.  It's only slightly illegal.

It's about as illegal as Sir Richard's Tavern.  I mean, they only run a small amount of drugs and only a little more guns/ammo out of there every week.  I'm sure they'll hook us up with a few free shots.  Alcoholic.  Maybe.

That's the furthest Loretta and I got in the news department.  I bid her adieu after beating her pants of at Wii Golf and rode off into the darkness while contemplating how cold the beer at Sir Richard's would be.

What I should have been contemplating was the new poverty estimate.  For a family of four, $60,000 a year to scrap by.  In Philly that is.  In Ethiopia they'd probably be rich.  Just sayin'.