Let's Steal It!

There's a 50 year old lady in Germany. Well, there's probably a lot of 50 year old ladies in Germany, but there's one named Barbara Emme who works, excuse me, worked at a grocery store. The reason she was fired? Oh, well, after working there for 31 years, her employers thought she stole 1.30 Euros, or about $1.65. Not being able to trust her anymore, they fired her! I mean, on average, she stole a nickel (USD) a year from them! Shame shame.

Has capitalism gotten so bad in Germany that this could happen? The public is outraged and Emme is as popular as "Joe the Plumber" was in America during the elections late last year. I think Germany should learn a lesson from America and the lesson is this: it's okay to steal, lie, cheat, and generally act like an asshole!

For example, in West Philly, it is perfectly acceptable to steal things. This is because the cops are busy catching 15 year olds that murder 12 year olds. Anyone can steal bikes, cars, doorknobs, and anything lying out and about. Garbage picking is encouraged, even if the "garabage" is really just stuff that someone is moving into/out of a house! "Let's steal it" is a phrase uttered by college kids and ghetto-rats alike. Also, movies are great for educating youngsters about how cool it is to steal. Oceans 11? Great movie, and everyone wants to be Brad Pitt or George Clooney, two attractive men who steal millions of dollars for a living.

In America, it's okay to lie!! Just do it Germany. The most common lie in America?
Random drunk or homeless man: "Excuse me, do you have another cigarette?"
Liar: "Oh, no, I'm sorry, it's my last one."
Liar then fingers the newly opened cigarette pack in their pocket to ensure that it is still safe and intact as if the homelessperson could ESP steal it (because remember, it is okay to steal).
To train people to lie, you make them go to middle and high school. The most common lie there?
Snotty-nosed kid: "Can I have a piece of gum?"
Snotty-nosed kid: "Oh, sorry, I don't have anymore."
The irony, both of them have lied to each other before, depending on what happened in the lunchroom earlier in the day. And they will lie again, have no fear.
There is no punishment. Unless you get caught and the public hears about it and thinks its a big deal. Then you go to court. Where you cannot lie because then you'll go to jail no matter what.

Cheating! Germany, take note, it's okay to cheat! We have whole movies and TV shows dedicated to cheating. First, there is Cheaters. A show solely about catching other people cheat on their significant others, then laughing and teasing about the drama following the confrontation. This show is hilarious! What about Jerry Springer. (In Germany the name should be Jerry Springelmiester...that way people can still yell "JERRY JERRY JERRY"). You have pregnant kids that have kids already who want their baby daddy to stop sticking his dick in other gross holes and stuff. Then there are movies like "The Perfect Score" and "21" which are about cheating in life! SATs? No problem, just steal the answers to the test and you can get a perfect score! Need money? Count cards at a casino, you'll win every time!

See Germany, capitalism doesn't get out of hand if you still do things that are considered "bad" or "immoral". Actually, these things help balance the economy. The black market, the drug trade, the lying and cheating. It works out well for everyone! It's when everyone wears a suit, goes to an office, and sits in a cubicle and has a stick shoved up their rectum that things start to go wrong. All of the sudden, all these people think they are massively important. They want to get ahead. They start screwing the little people and start thinking money is everything. And then people get fired for allegedly stealing $1.65 after working for 31 years. No one's brain is exercised enough to slow down and think "now, why would someone who is near retirement and has never stolen before risk their job for $1.65."

Ponder America, Germany.

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