News Round Up

Latest and breaking news and what it sounds like. I took the liberty of deleting a couple of headlines because they were too dang depressing.

Used MP3 player contains U.S. secrets
Sounds like: James Bond lost his MP3, car chase ensues
KCBD: FedEx plane crashes in Texas
Sounds like: Castaway II (but instead of Wilson, ranch cattle used)
Inspectors find mildew in peanut butter plant
Sounds like: The plant that grows peanut butter is moldy
Brown: Bailout a bigger mystery each day
Sounds like: U.S. needs Sherlock Holmes
Blagojevich name-drops: Gandhi, Oprah
Sounds like: “Oh yea, you know, Gandhi, Oprah, I’ve done ‘em both!”
Blah-blah-blah-Blagojevich: 'Fix is in'
Sounds like: New band Blahblahblah Blagojevich releases hit single “Fix is in”
Ticker: Obama's scared of me, says Limbaugh
Sounds like: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Seeking perfect latte? Use flashlight
Sounds like: Go to the coffee shop, shine a flashlight around, if any latte has a reflector on it, that’s the perfect one. Bring it back…shhhhh…it’s the Holy Grail…
Pastor Ted Haggard faces new sex allegations
Sounds like: Pastor faces having sex allegations (pastors have sex too? nonsense)
Octuplets' births surprise California doctors
Sounds like: Octopi births surprise doctors; they were expecting humans
Rescued dogs pregnant with 1,500 pups
Sounds like: 101 Dalmatians! Only 1500 Dalmatians.

In other news, recently Japanese companies have been urged by the government to hurry along reproduction. Human reproduction that is. Normally Japanese workdays are about 12 hours long, but on Tuesdays and Thursdays Canon makes their workers leave at 5 so they can go home and procreate. Why? Well the birthrate for Japan is 1.34. To maintain the population like the government wants to, the birthrate must be 2. My question is: is Canon also handing out condoms on Tuesdays and Thursdays?

And finally, this last headline...I think doing a "sounds like" would not be as funny as the actual headline:

Mom catches surprise twin in pants

Happy Toosday!