Tuesday News Roundup

Another Tuesday brings another round of news titles from Cnn.com. What they make the article sound like, and what the article probably is about.

Latest News:

Poll finds Americans angry, worried
Sounds Like: “We vent o’re to Ame’ica and de vere depressed.”

Probably Is: Describes most of the world – but America’s deserves the center of attention
CNNMoney: Stocks poised for tough start
Sounds Like: Stocks, racer in Indy 500, faces a tough start today for the World Championship

Probably Is: Wall Street up in arms again
CNNMoney: Stimulus talk picks up -- but how?
Sounds Like: I mean, they decided to play Quaker meeting, so how are they talking about it? Did they all lose?

Probably Is: Some reporter amazed that talks about how to fix the economy are in progress?
Ousted Thai leader guilty of corruption
Sounds Like: Thailand (or Tie-dye-land, as it is formally called) threw a coup and found corruption

Probably Is: Corruption. In a government. No. Freakin. Way.
Nevada boy's abduction brings 2nd arrest
Sounds Like: Nevada boy, Nevada’s own superhero, was kidnapped by 2 evil spawns

Probably Is: A boy from Nevada kidnapped – it took 2 people.
Protesters try to block Palin's car
Sounds Like: “Yo man, we don’t like Sarah Palin. She only likes the North Pole. Lets throw blocks at her car.”

Probably Is: “Yo man, I bet if we stand in front of Palin’s car and don’t let her or the Secret Service move, it will convince a lot of people to vote against McCain-Palin for…uhhhh….ummmm…whats-his-face?”
Obama will leave trail to visit ailing grandmother
Sounds Like: Leaving the formally unchartered Alaskan wilderness frontier, lead expeditioner Obama visits dying grandmother.

Probably Is: Obama’s granny is dying. That’s really sad no matter who you are :(.
Ticker: Palin has new nickname for Obama
Sounds Like: Caribou Barbie has new nickname for “Barack the Wealthy Spender”

Probably Is: GOP – you guys HAVE to work on your nicknames. Caribou Barbie sticks SOOO much better than “Barack the Wealthy Spender”
Brown: Candidates too cagey on health records
Sounds Like: Candidates erect cages around health records, may fight in them later.

Probably Is: Obama and McCain are too “Wary, careful, shrewd; uncommunicative; unwilling or hesitant to give information” on health records
Voters say their parties were switched
Sounds Like: The GOP & the Dems reserved rooms, paperwork got f-ed up, attendees showed up to WRONG party…oh my!

Probably Is: Voter fraud? Someone in the GOP got smart.
iReport.com: Send your questions for McCain
Sounds Like: McCain is taking unfiltered questions

Probably Is: McCain’s PR guy is taking filtered questions
Stunt cyclist helps cops convict him
Sounds Like: Stunt cyclist puts on own handcuffs

Probably Is: Stunt cyclists ask cops if they have seen his video on YouTube. Well they hadn’t, but once they had…
Greg Brady dishes on Marcia, romance
Sounds Like: The Brady Bunch is giving us the scoop on Marcia new romance

Probably Is: Uhhhhh….
CNN Hero of the Year: Vote now
Sounds Like: You can be the CNN Hero, just go vote

Probably Is: Vote for the people who are obviously better than you for Hero of the Year
CNN Wire: ‘Sex on beach’ couple free on...
Sounds Like: Porno stars in “Sex on Beach” free
Probably Is: A couple had sex on the beach…and got caught…and then went free
Unhappy STD news? Send an e-card
Sounds Like: Got an STD? Tell your partner through and e-card.
Probably Is: Got an STD? Tell your partner through and e-card. HILARIOUS.

I HAD to look the last one up. Here's a picture...