News Round Up

Latest News Headlines from CNN.com.

CNNMoney: Jobless claims hold at a high level
Sounds Like: People want unemployment (checks).
Probably Is: Unemployment is up more so than usual.
Holder: U.S. a 'nation of cowards' on talking race
Sounds Like: In the talking race, the U.S. is losing, mostly because of the cowardly lion.
Probably Is: Uhhh…(I looked this up) the U.S. is too cowardly to talk about race.
Brown: Holder's speech cuts through bull
Sounds Like: Words can cut, meat.
Probably Is: Someone, a politician, gave a speech cutting through the bullshit. I say bullshit!
Martin: NY Post's chimp cartoon is racist
Sounds Like: NY Post bought a chimp and he won’t stop calling the staff “a bunch of crackers”
Probably Is: Someone drew Obama in a political cartoon involving a chimp. Now people are mad.
iReport.com: Canadians offer Obama tips
Sounds Like: Obama gets free money!
Probably Is: Obama gets free advice.
Obama's left hook befuddles viewers
Sounds Like: Viewers of the boxing match were surprised to find that Obama can actually fight.
Probably Is: A chance to use the word “befuddled”.
Freshmen cast a huge and historic vote
Sounds Like: An MTV reality show.
Probably Is: Something to do with Congress that is probably important. (Actually, upon reading the highlights and first 2 paragraphs, I’ve decided that this article title is misleading, and nothing important really happened.)
Octuplets' family reportedly faces foreclosure
Sounds Like: 8 kids plus other people might lose house.
Probably Is: Crazy and her 14 children and 2 parents are losing house.
Tot mom's diary: I made the right decision
Sounds Like: Dear Diary, I am right, Love, Tot’s Mom.
Probably Is: Lady in jail for killing daughter wrote that she was justified in diary.
Records show man who froze paid bills late
Sounds Like: A shitty legacy to leave behind.
Probably Is: A 93 year old man died because they cut his power after his bills were paid late.
Reporter caught in shootout drops to belly Sounds Like: A new dance move.
Probably Is: Reporter used “duck and cover” technique while trying not to get shot.
Violence spins Mexico toward 'civil war'
Sounds Like: Mexico may have a “civil war”.
Probably Is: Mexico may have a civil war.
Fortune: Baseball battles the slump
Sounds Like: Baseball vs. The Slump, tune in tonight at 8 p.m. eastern time.
Probably Is: What sports are doing to earn more money to pay the ridiculous salaries of their players.
5 crying dolphins stuck in ice for 3 days
Sounds Like: Dolphins got caught in an ocean avalanche.
Probably Is: Horrible, but only because humans identify with dolphins. If it said “5 pigs get stuck in ice for 3 days”, people would be like “when’s dinner??”.
Armstrong's bicycle found, police say
Sounds Like: The dumbest thieves in the world left one of the most famous bikes in the world somewhere to be found.
Probably Is: See above.