What's that in your water?

I'll say it once, I'll say it again:  Don't mess with the people that are serving you food or drinks.

Luckily for the normal consumer, tips come at the end of a meal, so it motivates the servers to be nice to you and work for it.  Because if they knew how much you'd tip, the service would be closely correlated.  However, I've come up with a scheme that levels the playing field.  It's called eye drops.

If someone starts being an a-hole, they are going to get eye drops in whatever they are drinking.  I might not know how much they'll tip me, but I will know that they will spend a very satisfying hour on the toilet pooping out massive amounts of douche.

And then, as time goes on, they'll realize it's the "restaurant" making them sick.  And they won't ever come back.  Then all the people who make my life hell on earth everyday will not come back.  Just like that, a better work environment.

List of things that make you a jerk:
"Can you just bring us a round of waters."
"I'm allergic to peppers." (at a mexican place, really?!)
"I want a Long Island, and can you make it strong?"
"We'll just have the check, and we're all separate, so we'll take separate checks."
"Can you read the menu to me?  I forgot my glasses."
"My fries taste different than her fries."
"I hate this margarita, it's so bitter."
"You did such a wonderful job serving us." (tips less than 10%)
"HEY YOU! Yea, I want wings, how much they cost?"
"We don't want to sit here, we want to sit right there."
"Oh, I ordered food at the bar already, just tell them to bring it to me here."
"Can I have a hot tea?"
Every time a server walks up to your table you ask for one thing, when they come back you ask for one more thing, rinse and repeat.
Eating half your food, deciding you don't like it.

And the list goes on.  For all of those people above, you get eye dropped water and/or alcohol.  Sorry about your luck, but you should always know, don't mess with the people who can mess with your food.

When it's cold outside, you're supposed to wear pants

You know what I enjoy laughing at?  Girls wearing inappropriate clothing for the season.  Bare legs and open toed shoes are not the way to go in this weather.  I mean, c'mon.  There are SIX, SIX different seasons for selling women's clothes, and retailers sell ALL SIX.  Men have a limited choice compared to women.  We have every type of shoe and piece of cloth available to cover us.  WEAR SOMETHING APPROPRIATE.

Today is my Friday.  I have to be at work soon, working with a manager who goes hot and cold like a 12 year old girl PMS-ing.  So I'm going to stockpile the snarky comments and leave you with this (sorry if you're a dude).

How I love (weather appropriate) shoes.

Found it.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.

The Weather Outside is Frightful

Last night, I decided to go to the gym to keep up with my goal of losing 50 lbs.  On the way back I literally got a brain freeze from the incessant sleet.  Later, I had to leave the house again and on the way back sludge through about a foot of snow.  This is what my stoop looked like:

At least snow is pretty!  And today most people got a 2 hour delay, which is nice.  Most people in other cities are calling us Philadelphians wimps right now.  The truth of the matter is, their just jealous that their wimpy city doesn't shut down after more than 6 inches of snow.  Oh, and we're so broke we can't plow or salt very often!  Win-win for us taxpayers.

Today, I have lots to ponder.  Like why on earth Will Ferrell would be coming on the "Office".  I'm really glad TV shows can recruit talent, but the poor "Office" is going to be super weird and awkward in the last 8 episodes which sucks for the show's history.  I may not like the "Office" but I do like TV and I hate Will Ferrell.

I also get to ponder how on earth Lady Gaga's song Telephone is a children's book.  Yes, yes it is.  No, no I kid you not, even I am not that creative/funny.  I think kids of the next few generations will have a very skewed handle of the English language.  And of nutrition and weight control.

Oh, and now for Finance homework and maybe studying for an exam I may or may not have in 4 hours.  Now that's something to ponder!

Some things just make me chuckle

Yesterday, I was reading on philly.com about some kid in a wheelchair and his clothing line when I noticed a gigantic ad in the background for the Philadelphia Auto Show which is going on in the next two weeks.  Guess what the tagline was.

Wait for it...

"Just slide on in."

If that's not a huge thats what she said, I don't know what it.

Another funny thing is fulfilled stereotypes.  But it's only funny when everyone in the situation thinks it's funny.  Otherwise, it's probably racist.  Or in appropriate.  So, still funny, but laugh in your head funny, not riotous laughter funny.  For instance, the other day at work, I had a table of four black people.  One couple was normal, the other was super ghettolicious.  The dude ordered a steak and chicken fajita.

Me:  How do you want your steak cooked?
Me in my head:  Well Done or Med Well, sent back for being a little pink
Him:  Gurl, what do I look like to you?  You know how we do.  Well. Done. Put it in the bank.
All of us:  Awkward chuckle laughter

Anddddddd fin.  Check out these two websites.  At least one will make you chuckle!

http://1000awesomethings.com/
http://catalogliving.net/

And you can put that in the bank!

Dazed and Confused and Surprised...

Some things never cease to amaze me.  Here's a smattering.

What is with number games that always turn out?  Someone posted the following on the Facebook yesterday.

This year we will experience 4 unusual dates.... 1/1/11, 1/11/11, 11/1/11, 11/11/11 .... NOW go figure this out.... take the last 2 digits of the year you were born plus the age you WILL BE this year and it WILL EQUAL TO 111...Crazy!

And golly gee, it worked out for me.  HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?!  Does it work for everyone?  Does it work every year?!  Like next year, can you do it and everything will equal 112?  I'm usually considered somewhat "intelligent" but this kind of scenario has always escaped me. 

As the behavior of some parents has.  Parents are crazy and they are always "right".  Even when they want you to wear color coordinated clothes for family photos.  Which automatically makes awkward family photos.  Like these real life photos from my sister-in-law's family.

Not awkward enough yet?  Try the "siblings" picture.

Now, to be clear I love some of the people in these photos dearly.  But, if I had been forced to pose for photos like these, I would expect people to also make fun of me.  (I had a slight moral dilemma and the guilt will last til tomorrow, but come one.  I live to make people laugh.  You're welcome.)

Other things that escape me:  $9 well drinks, people who can't find the "silent" button on their cell phones even after they've disturbed a lecture or something already, gross pizza, gross mac&cheese, people who would rather have 9 kids than purchase a box of condoms, and various other things.

But more on that later.

2011 and so much has happened

I haven't blogged since October.
Yes, I know.
You didn't miss me!

Mostly, I haven't blogged because there's no direction for this space. My roomie Liz has a wonderful blog, Dance to the Radio, dedicated mostly to music, some to fashion.  And she does a wonderful job because that's her jawn.  But what's my jawn?  One of my other friends had a hard time getting me a Christmas gift, just because my interests are super specific, and they usually change with the position of the moon.

And I definitely don't want to talk about my life.  Okay, of course I do, doesn't everyone?  But...  A.) gossip mill.  B.)  dramz.  C.) if none of the above, dull at best.  I could talk about my cat and her idiosyncrasies, but I'm not ready to be labeled as an old cat lady yet.

So, I guess I need suggestions on topics.  Or something.  Direction on what to do here and in my life would be much appreciated.  Especially since I am apparently not a Gemini anymore.

2010 was a year.  I believe that's what 365 consecutive days are called.  I finished college, started grad school, went further in debt, moved, was single, then was not, went to Florida, celebrated holidays and birthdays, and generally trudged through the year.

Okay, that was a really bad reflection.

For now, let me share some goals for 2011, I'm done with 2010.  That is ancient history.
1.  Find a "real" job.
Finding a real job requires effort and showers.  Don't know if I'm up for it yet.  I keep applying and taking personality tests and aptitude tests.  But the going is slow.  Especially since I lack direction on a career and a location.  Sense a theme?

2.  Lose 30 lbs by the end of May, 50 by September.
People hate this.  They think it is unhealthy and whatnot.  Some people don't want to hear about it at all. Like my life isn't supposed to be like The Biggest Loser. REAL people don't weigh that much.  Anyway, I don't hate this goal yet, but talk to me in a week when my legs don't work anymore and all I want is a hot, steaming bowl of delicious macaroni and cheese with a side of black forest cake loaded with vanilla ice cream.  If my arms aren't so sore that I can't lift the fork to my face.

3.  Finish grad school...
...without punching someone in the face or failing a class due to lack of interest.

4.  Finish Landmark curriculum.
I took a great class called Landmark that basically gave me the tools to handle life and make it work.  Despite the teasing by most friends, I found it really helpful and am continuing the education so that I can live with direction and power.  So that's on the list...

5.  Write a novel/screenplay in a month.
This is going to happen in February or April.  I'm so excited.  No showers necessary.

6.  Learn Espanol.
Enough to get by in Tijuana.

Goals, goals, goals.  This year, the score is going to be Universe: 1,297,283 Me: 6

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get through this crazy professor's boring ass economics class.  Then I have a date at an Irish Pub with an Irish bartendar.  I really wish alcohol was zero calories.