"Return to Sender"

Part of my job is to "Nixie" entities. Basically, we send out a letter that has confidential, important information, so it is marked "Return to Sender". When we get them back, it is called a "Nixie" and someone must go through and scan them in so we know not to send anymore letters for that person to that address.

It is amazing what some of these letters have written on them. Whenever I've gotten something like this in the mail, I write "return" or "return to sender" so the mailman knows to take it out of my mailbox. Apparently these people missed the memo.

Here are some of the more ridiculous examples:

"Please return to sender. This person, who we've never hear of, doesn't live here and has never lived here. We've sent your first letter back last week."

"This person has not lived here in over SIX YEARS - please fix your records"
^ the above was highlighted in pink, for emphasis I imagine

"He doesn't live here, but he's always get'n mail here?! Thank you."

"No such person"

and finally...

"WTF?"

I promise that all of these are direct quotes (minus names and address people wrote in some to show that they knew where the person lived). Spell'n and all.

So, anyway, maybe next time I'll write something entertaining on the envelope if I'm returning it. At least the mailman will get a kick out of it. And maybe some other co-op somewhere will too.

Oddly Enough

Sorry about the no Friday blog.  My life got a little busy...it happens.

So, today I'm going to write about some "Oddly Enough" news.  Reuters.com has a section called "Oddly Enough" and it contains the kind of news I like to read.  It's not depressing (usually) and its about people and the hilarious things that can happen in daily life!

Today this is what happened:

Twins who changed places in Italy.  One twin was a judge and lawyer.  Well, one day, she had to be in two places at one time.  That happens to everyone in high demand, like me, and usually, you have to cancel one engagement, or be late to it, etc.  Not this girl, because she had an identical twin!  So now, they are being charged with fraud.  Because, oddly enough, someone who is not a judge, cannot stand in for a real judge to gain the court payment.

Also, some Porteguese man was apprehended at the airport with 200 birds in his bag.  Apparently he was trying to smuggle canaries into Brazil from Peru.  The stupid man put them in a bag(wtf?) and unfortunalety 65 of them died :(

Now, we all love speeding on the highway.  Driving fast is fun!  Well, until you get caught by the cops.  So, imagine getting caught $2 million worth of times!  A driver was just apprehended in Brazil after seven years of not registering his car and committing infractions.  He owes $1.8 million in 90 days.  Good luck buddy.

Alright, enough for today, more tommorrow!  Enjoy another Monday.

PETH vs. PETA

First, Barth, I <3>Second, just because PETA is a little crazy, doesn't mean that they are wrong all the time.

Okay, so here is an article about PETA and a NEW! idea they have for Ben and Jerry's ice cream.

Wouldn't it be a good idea to replace the cow milk for human breast milk??  I mean, come on, the cows are impregnated and treated horribly, etc.

All I have to say is this.  I want to start either one of the following organizations.  PETH (People for the Ethical Treatment of Humans) or PPP (People for Protection Against PETA).

Yes, cows are treated horribly.  So are ants dammit.  Cows are one of the dumbest creatures ever.  And some dairy farmers actually keep their cows even if they are past producing milk and they live long, luxurious lifestyles til they die from natural causes.

Also, think about all the dairy farmers that are struggling as it is.  I know at least 3 dairy farmers who still have their farms and are still trying to produce enough to make it.  What happens to them if everyone starts using human milk?

Human milk is very valuable.  Hospitals all over ask for milk donations for kids who cannot function without it because they are born really really sickly, and their mothers can't produce it.  Why doesn't PETA try to get people to donate to them?  I mean, humans are more valuable than cows, correct?  Well, at least they are in my opinion.

And I love this quote "Dairy products have been linked to juvenile diabetes, allergies, constipation, obesity, and prostate and ovarian cancer. "  This is some sort of fallacy in logic.  And how is constipation even in the list of these horrible diseases?

Okay, there are like a billion other things I have to say about this article (like the impossibility of this in the business world because no one gives a shit about a cow but PETA and no one wants to eat other's breast milk - at least not yet, til it becomes cool, like being "green" and drinking out of non-nalgene bottles) but I'm not going to. :)

Have a wonderful day.

And remember, if you ever see cows gathering under a tree or in the middle of a treeless field, it means that its going to rain.  Its about the only thing they can predict.

Advertising Gone Hilariously Wrong

So I was reading an article about advertising and how certain ads suck and are pulled shortly after being run.

Watch this video.  Chevy ran this ad campaign where people could go on the Chevy website and make their own commerical using shots that Chevrolet provided.  Here's a hilarious 30 second commericial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4oNedC3j0e4

In other news, "NEW YORK (AP) -- Clay Aiken is finally confirming what many people suspected: He's gay."

Gosh, finally!

Eh, headlines are gonna have to wait another day or so...

The perils of using others computers

I hate how things automatically sign on when the computer starts.  If I want to use the program, I'll sign into it!  Maybe I don't want some things on...for instance...

The other day, we skyped a brother and a dear friend who is in the carribean.  Well, we started using my computer for somewhat foggy reasons.  Another brother and dear friend signed on to her name in Skype, and we chatted.  Now, everytime I start my computer, Skype turns on.  Low and behold, I don't use Skype, so how does it log in?  HA!  It logs in using the 2nd bro's name.  I bet I could really mess with people's heads - if I knew how to work it! (and I was a complete jackass).

Just picture this, in the middle of your conversation with your best friend.

[9:30:48 PM] Michelle says: srav
[9:30:54 PM] Michelle says: i'm signed in as michelle
[9:30:56 PM] Srav says: michelle
[9:30:57 PM] Michelle says: but i'm not shelley
[9:31:01 PM] Michelle says: its andrea
[9:31:01 PM] Srav says: weird?
[9:31:06 PM] Michelle says: no its from that night
[9:31:09 PM] Srav says: AHHHHH
[9:31:11 PM] Michelle says: i don't know how to turn it off!!!
[9:31:11 PM] Srav says: creepy
[9:31:12 PM] Michelle says: AWESOOME!!
[9:31:16 PM] Michelle says: hey andrea its michelle
[9:31:16 PM] Michelle says: omg
[9:31:20 PM] Srav says: wow
[9:31:21 PM] Michelle says: OMG
[9:31:24 PM] Michelle says: i'm like freaking out
[9:31:27 PM] Srav says: andrea!
[9:31:31 PM] Michelle says: yes
[9:31:35 PM] Michelle says: AHAHHAAHAHa
[9:31:37 PM] Michelle says: atwo michelles
[9:31:38 PM] Michelle says: whos who
[9:31:41 PM] Srav says: creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepy
[9:31:44 PM] Michelle says: hahhaa
[9:31:44 PM] Srav says: andrea
[9:31:46 PM] Michelle says: okay
[9:31:50 PM] Srav says: go make a skype account
[9:31:50 PM] Michelle says: i'm sorry for butting in
[9:31:55 PM] Srav says: and then we can conference call you
[9:31:56 PM] Michelle says: no bvutt in
[9:32:01 PM] Michelle says: ya make an account
[9:32:02 PM] Michelle says: i can't going out with friends...but i will tonight later
[9:32:05 PM] Michelle says: and we'll do it then
[9:32:06 PM] Michelle says: boooooo
[9:32:08 PM] Srav says: boooooooo

I find this hilarious, if you didn't read the whole convo, just do it.

<3>

p.s. I'll do the news line up tomorrow - no time today!

Cheap Bastard!

So, we all know the bums that seem to be built into the landscape of Philadelphia.  They seem to get in trouble a lot.  I guess living outside in a city will do that for you though!

Many times, a bum will be nice and open a door for you to a store, then expect change on the way out.  Others will just sit with a semi-interesting sign asking for money.  Still others will be loud and obnoxious about it, follow you around, or try to stop you with a cock-eyed story about having to buy diapers (cough, cough, crack).

Apparently, some will shoot you.

http://www.kcra.com/news/17533330/detail.html

One day, I was walking with a friend, and a bum asked him for change.  He said no.  The bum goes "cheap bastard" and he was like "damn right, you got any change?"

The thing about bums and making fun of them, is that the situation is really unfortunate.  They can't get a job to get money because they smell because they can't afford laundry, a place to sleep and shower, because they don't have a job.  Some are mentally ill, some are veterns, and some would like to be on the street.  But others are just really unfortunate.  

Unfortunately for us, there's no clear sign on their foreheads that label them "Crackhead" "Vetern" "Orphan" "Mentally Ill" "Damn Lazy".  If there were, some would get more money than others.

Friday's Post - Late

So...I have a very short post for Friday - and yes today, when I'm writing it is Sunday.

Thanks to Srav and Michelle, I have two questions for you.

1.  How would you like to have a ceiling pain

ted like this?  Kinda freaky, I'm not gonna lie.

2.  If I painted my bathroom floor like this, would you walk in and use it?

Cell phones and Gonads

A new study shows that cell phones may decrease sperm quality.  Read about it here.

It's pretty crazy.  I was thinking about a theory the other day.  Get this:  the bigger and better everything gets, the more everything gets messed up.

For instance, civilization is not good for the environment in general.  Food has to be produced in mass quantities, there are a lot of people in a small space, and transportation and other things are developed that are very taxing on the environment and the resources.

Email has made things a lot easier.  Like attaching a file is easy and good!  But...things can be misstated, there's spam, phishing, identity theft, and a lot of used time in front of computer screens.  

What about roads?  Sure, it's nice to travel on them, when they are not under construction or busy and backed up.  What about all the accidents and frustrations?  I mean, overall roads make life easier.  But they use resources, space, and end up taking more time and energy than is sometimes necessary.

What about computers?  Carpel tunnel anyone?  Strained eyes?  Wasted time?  Phone calls to help centers where you talk to someone who is not competent or understandable?

Obviously we all enjoy the things we take for granted sometimes.  But, eventually it is going to end.  And we will ever stop improving because we will think about the consequences and they will be too great?  I mean, people used to survive without cell phones.  People also used to have real relationships, face to face, more time, and a lot less stress.

It's interesting to think about anyway.

Love me Dead.

So there's this new band.

You should check it out!

Ludo - Love me dead.

You're awful. I LOVE YOU!

You're hideous and sexy!

You're born of a jackel, and beautiful!

Seriously, check it out!  It is soooo good.  Thanks to "Charlie".

In other news, I just started a new co-op.  So the blog is going to be one day late from now til Friday.  I've decided to take the weekends off to think of great new blog posts.  Especially since if it's the weekend, people should be going out to have fun!!!

In other news, if you're in Philly, it's restuarant week!  Quick, or you'll miss it!!

http://www.opentable.com/promo.aspx?m=13&pid=95

Enjoy the full menu.  If this didn't take up at least 5 minutes of your day....well I guess you can visit Srav's spot.  Look on the left hand side of the screen!

Peace mo-fos.

Tuesday News Title Challenge!

So again, I'm going to do the weekly Tuesday News Title Challenge - what are they REALLY saying.  Gosh creativity lacks on Tuesday!  

Once again, using CNN.com homepage under "Latest News" I will tell you what I think the title sounds like, and what it probably is.

SORRY FOR THE FORMATTING ISSUES!!!!

Latest News

·         CNNMoney: Chevy Volt finally unwrapped

                  Sounds Like:  Kid gets present, and waits to unwrap it?!

Probably Is:  Launching of new car.  A volt.  What is a volt?

·         McCain says workers are economy's strength

Sounds Like:  Workers are feeding the economy, helping it lift, and making sure it gets its exercise

Probably Is:  McCain says that workers support economy.  No shit Sherlock.

·         Commentary: Dilbert guy's survey on economy

Sounds Like:  Dilbert, cartoon character, has evil Catbert do a biased and evil survey executed on the economy

Probably Is:  Dilbert, the cartoon character, has done a survey asking people about economy?

·         Ticker: McCain hammered for economy remark

Sounds Like:  McCain was TRASHED when he made that remark. |OR| Palin took a hammer to McCain when she realized what he said.

Probably Is:  McCain said something stupid – again.

·         Palin won't cooperate with 'tainted' probe 16 min

Sounds Like:  When we tried to stick it in her, she refused, because it was ‘tainted’

Probably Is:  A really really good news title.  Someone at CNN is really perverted.

·         Some find 'Obama waffles' offensive 

Sounds Like:  Obama made waffles, and somehow that’s offensive, probably because he’s A.) not a woman, and B.) black

Probably Is:  I can’t really say.

·         Castellanos: Obama needs second act 21 min

Sounds Like:  Famous Playwriter:  Obama needs to add a second act in that play of his.  There’s just no finish!

Probably Is:  Obama needs to back up all of his promises?

·         Colors shifting on CNN electoral map 

Sounds Like:  They held a séance last night, and the colors shifted….

Probably Is:  The election outcome is shifting from Democrat to Republican, or vice versa.

·         Galvestonians urged to leave 39 min

Sounds Like:  Yo, we don’t want no Galvestonians up in here!

Probably Is:  Another country is going to war…

·         Wing flaps failed in Spain crash, probe finds

Sounds Like:  Those damn birds just couldn’t flap fast enough, another probe finds the Spaniards…

Probably Is:  An airplanes wing flaps did no deploy, so the plane crashed in Spain, investigators say

·         NASA bone-loss test puts man in bed for 84 days

Sounds Like:  A test that every man wants to take, being forced to bed for 84 days, provided with “entertainment”

Probably Is:  Some scientific study, may be unethical?

·         WGCL: Students call for help from school bus

Sounds Like:  What we did everyday on the way to school.  (Memorized how to write SOS backwards so cars could see it).

Probably Is:  Tragic incident where students called for help – and they actually needed it.

·         People: Who is Miley Cyrus's new guy?

Sounds Like:  12 year-olds next gossip item

Probably Is:  12-30 year-olds next gossip item, to appear in Perez-Hilton

·         Fey not the only Palin impersonator 

Sounds Like:  Fey is not the only person who will be prosecuted for impersonating Palin

Probably Is:  There’s one other person in the U.S. that looks exactly like Palin

·         iReport.com: Your tributes to Pink Floyd

Sounds Like:  How the U.S. contributed to Pink Floyd

Probably Is:  People paying tributes to Pink Floyd

·         'Transformers' beauty: I had crush on stripper

Sounds Like:  The most beautiful transformer, used to have a crush on a stripper

Probably Is:  Another Perez-Hilton news item

·         CNN Wire: WaMu stocks slide on ‘junk’...

Sounds Like:  Their junk was just too big…(and I can’t finish this and consciously post it on an internet where a 8 year old may read it.)

Probably Is:  One of the best news titles ever.  Better than the “tainted probe”

 

Phrases that should be memorized

Everyone knows there are certain phrases one should memorize.  Like...donde esta el bano?  or where is the bathroom?  However there are other phrases, weirder phrases, that also have to be memorized.  Today, I bring you two.  If you want more, I'll further to post on Tuesday.

So there's this movie called "I was a male war bride".  Cary Grant and Ann Sheridan star in this 1949 comedy.  In it, Cary Grant is a French officer that marries an American officer.  The U.S. has this law that spouses of Americans that were foreigners could come back with their spouses under protection of the U.S.  However, Cary Grant is not a wife, which is the point.  He has to learn to say the following phrase:

"I am an alien spouse of female military personnel en route to the United States under public law 271 of the Congress."

This got him everywhere he needed to be, admist skeptical looks, a lot of misunderstanding, and some really uncomfortable situations.

In real life, another person memorized another phrase.  This past week the transcripts of the Rosenberg trials were realeased.  The Rosenberg grand juries were monumental cases for various reasons.  The Rosenbergs are the only Americans ever executed for treason - namely for selling secrets to the Russians.  The transcripts are interesting to say the least, and were very secret until now.  It's quite a big deal!

Ethel Rosenberg (the wife) got questioned twice.  She memorized the phrase "I decline to answer on the grounds that this might tend to incriminate me."  And she used it...a LOT.  When I say a lot, I mean, A LOT.  Practically every question asked, the answer was "I decline to answer on the ground that it might tend to incriminate me."  

I wonder what other helpful phrases may become useful in the future.  For tourists to the U.S., especially college kids studying abroad here, the answers might just be "that's what she said" and "your mom".

Big Macs and the Gold

Today I bring you two articles that I find rather interesting. They are linked in my mind by only the 29384729394203 commercials I saw during the Olympics for McDonald's.

1. Man eats 23,000 Big Macs in 36 years.
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/09/10/big.macs.record.ap/index.html

(thanks to Barth for finding this article
If you don't actually want to read it, I'll provide a summary:

• Man eats a Big Mac or two everyday
• Man freezes Big Macs so in case of snow, he can still eat one
• Man has missed only 8 days in the past 36 years - he has all the receipts to prove it
• Surprisingly, man only weighs 185 lbs. and he's 6'2"
• Man is creepy and weird

2. China Goes for (All of) the Gold [WARNING: this one's kinda dull, only read the first 4 paragraphs or so]
http://www.slate.com/id/2196987/
National wealth worth weight in gold (medals) [Don't worry - this one's more interesting]
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26335644/

I read an article the other day (not this one, but this gives the same general point) that economy has a lot to do with which countries win the most gold metals.

Once again, I will summarize below:

• Economists can pretty accurately predict which country will win the most golds
• Medals and PPP (Purchasing Power Parity for you non-business majors) positively correlate
• Emerging economies will win more medals
• High GDP (Gross Domestic Product) = High Medal count

I mean, the theory is actually pretty amazing, and partly true. I don't think anyone can count on this to be completely accurate (as pointed out in the article). However, maybe that's because of the nature of sports. The underdog can always win...that's what makes everything exciting. (The second article points out the exceptions.)

So McDonald's and gold medals. I'm gonna safely say there really is no correlation - besides the fact that the more countries McDonald's is in (adds to GDP), the more gold medals are possible. And its not because of the Big Macs!

Say what you want

I’ve been reading a lot of articles lately, in the name of procrastinating of course! It never ceases to amaze me how certain things keep popping up. For instance, if you learn something, you keep hearing about it from different people.

Anyway, this is the third time I’ve heard this mentioned, in about as many days, so I figured it was a sign I should share it!

The first article was about wanting things. So, “I want sex” is something that the wife didn’t want to tell her husband. She worked SO hard at giving subtle hints – like lacey lingerie, certain toys, and of course, a few choice phrases. The husband didn’t get the point. Ironic. The author of the article wanted to know why we just wouldn’t say when we wanted something. She suggested that fear of rejection and fear of what people would think gets in the way. The example used was about two moms running for PTA president. One mom really wanted the job. So she campaigned, hung up flyers, socialized, did everything she could. The author didn’t even know who the other mom was, so obviously she didn’t do anything for the job. The first mom didn’t get elected. Others thought of her as pushy, simply because she was going after what she wanted. The second mom won – the author still doesn’t know who she is.

The second article is from http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/09/09/o.eternal.question/index.html

Here is the excerpt I like:
“One rainy afternoon, not so long ago, I ran into a long-lost buddy from my days in advertising. It had been almost 25 years since we'd spoken. I'd gained some weight and he'd lost some hair. We ducked into a little coffee shop to dry off and catch up. He showed me a picture of his wife and kid and told me that the three of them spend summers in Paris. "We just get completely immersed in the culture."
I showed him a picture of Julia and Johannes (that would be my boyfriend for those of you who've managed to miss my last 735,000 columns) and told him that the three of us summer in my bedroom. "We just get completely immersed in the air-conditioning."

And then it happened: "I always had a little thing for you," he said. And, my friends, I'm not proud of what I'm about to tell you, but here it is: I actually looked behind me to see who he was talking to. "Wait, you mean me? Me? The woman who helped pick out everything from long-stem tulips to La Perla lingerie for your many, many girlfriends? You had a thing for me?"

I asked him why he neglected to speak up all those years ago. If this were a movie, here's the part where he'd reveal some incredibly dramatic secret -- "The truth is, I was a CIA operative only posing as an account executive. In my heart I knew that you were the one girl I'd be tempted to blow my cover for, and if I did that, my angel, well, we'd all be speaking Chinese right now." But this is not a movie -- he thought for a minute, shrugged, and answered, "You know, I honestly can't remember."”

Funny thing is, just the other day, I heard a similar story from an adult who is now married with children. The story varied slightly, as the man and her still keep in touch to this day, but it is very much the same story.

So, sometimes I just have to wonder…is it really worth saying what you want? Would it change life THAT much? And why don’t we do it?

That is the question for the day. Spend two minutes thinking about it. And there’s your five minute mental break for the day.

News Titles

Today I have decided to examine titles that the media chooses to use to label their stories with. This should be quite entertaining actually!

From CNN.com
Latest News
· Pastor: GOP downplays Palin's Pentecostal past
Sounds like: Palin is a Penecostal and the GOP ain't liking it
What it probably is: B-O-R-I-N-G political article
· Ticker: Why Obama lost his lead
Sounds like: Obama decided to nap during one of McCain's speeches - and he just didn't wake up (think, Tortoise and the Hare, only now, The Old and the Young)
What it probably is: another B-O-R-I-N-G political article, but since it's about Obama, more people will read it and be offended that he lost his lead (probably "because he's black", is what they'll say - and who knows, they may be right - I didn't read it)
· Bush to announce Iraq troop reduction
Sounds like: OMG, later, Bush is going to do a SUPRISE ANNOUNCEMENT about troop reduction in Iraq
What it probably is: Bush is going to announce that one troop per week will be reducted from Iraq’s score
· Secret killing program key in Iraq, author says
Sounds like: There’s a computer program, in Iraq that has a special secret code thing that kills people.
What it probably is: Another conspiracy theory that will never be proven wrong or right.
· Zardari sworn in as Pakistan president
Sounds like: There’s a new Pakistani president
What it probably is: There’s a Pakistani president that the U.S. really didn’t want to win because he’s mentally unstable and is now sitting on a bunch of nuclear power. I.e. one day, he’s going say “I’m depressed…who don’t I like anymore…POW!” WWIII anyone?
· CNNMoney: Gas down 11 percent from July high
Sounds like: In August, 11% less people got high from gas.
What it probably is: Gas costs 11% less than in July. Which,, if we do the math, comes to about $0.40 lower. WOOT.
· Cancer didn't dash Olympic swimmer's dream
Sounds like: OMG, MICHEAL PHELPS HAS CANCER!?!?! He is the ONLY swimmer, right?
What it probably is: an Olympian fought cancer and won – just like Lance Armstrong.
· Don't use this trial to 'punish' O.J., judge says
Sounds like: They ran out of news, so they reverted back to the OJ trial again
What it probably is: OJ got in trouble. Again?
· Rice: I don't see enough blacks at my job
Sounds like: Not enough black specks are in the rice fields.
What it probably is: One of the most powerful women, who is also black, wants to see more of her kind in her kind of job. But I think her job involves a lot of traveling, so maybe she just wants to go to Africa or Jamaica or somewhere more?
· Dad, son saved after more than 12 hours at sea
Sounds like: A guy who was a dad and a son was saved after spending 12 hours in the ocean
What it probably is: A guy who was a dad and a son was saved after spending 12 hours in the ocean
· 'Miracle' survivors share traits, author says
Sounds like: They survived a miracle, now they look and act similar.
What it probably is: Survivors that shouldn’t have survived now share traits like loving life, and not taking stuff for granted, blah, blah, blah.
· Police used Tasers more on blacks, city finds
Sounds like: Police are abusing blacks, and the city found out.
What it probably is: Some statistical study showing that minorities get Tased more often. (I wonder how well the study did. Did they take the same number of minority and non-minority arrests, did they go to the situations to see how scary they were and then rate them on a scale from 1-10, 5 being a good place to use a taser? I bet they don’t say.
· World leader in hot water over cooking show
Sounds like: Rachael Ray was boiling a world leader above her audience’s head?!?!
What it probably is: A non-politically-correct comment was made at a cooking show. And someone was offended.
· Minivan crushes bicyclist, doesn't stop
Sounds like: What happens in Philly everyday.
What it probably is: Some horrible travesty because it was a little kid that was crushed or something.
· Who'd win a McCain-Obama dance-off?
Sounds like: ABSURD. Do they need to ask? I think the question should be “who would drop dead first after exercising?”
What it probably is: Someone trying to be funny.
· 'Stuff White People Like': Tibet, yoga, DJs
Sounds like: White people like Tibet, yoga and DJs.
What it probably is: The truth.
· CNN Wire: Polish man arrested; daughter...
Sounds like: A polish man was arrested, and his daughter disappeared into three tiny dots.
What it probably is: Polish man arrested; daughter flees OR cries OR dies OR bails him out?

Story Part Three: Possums and Raccoons

Part Three:

A couple of weeks pass by and MJ pushes the raccoon incident to the side.

MJ and Charlie have some discussions about their dreams. MJ and Charlie both previously thought they were weird because of their tendency to dream every night. They also thought they were peculiar because of their tendency to remember their dreams. Seeing the future was also in the cards for them, although they could not ever predict when they would see something that they dreamed, and not everything they always dreamed came true in real life.

Several elaborate conversations later, MJ and Charlie felt much better about their sleeping patterns because they knew they had someone to rely on not to laugh too hard.

MJ had remembered several dreams vividly from her childhood, especially the ones involving deja vu or the dreams that inflicted the “terror-state”. The term “terror-state” was coined by both Charlie and MJ. Both had experienced a semi-conscious state where the dream continues, but the body is awake. MJ’s terror-states usually revolved around dreams about animals she hated, such as snakes, or people chasing her. She used to wake up convinced there was a huge boa constrictor laid out on the floor next to her childhood twin bed. To get out of it, she would have to jump over the “snake” and run to a different room, come back and turn the light on. Crazy, but true.

So, one night, the crazy raccoons came after MJ in her dreams (much like the possums had earlier in her life). Her and another roommate, Whorace, were playing in her old house’s backyard. They weren’t really playing as much as working – probably since that’s what most of their lives are composed of. Anyway, these large raccoons were really bothering MJ and Whorace, so they decided to play a game called “Whack-o-Coon”.

During the dream, MJ tried to hit the raccoons as hard as she could with a broomstick. Unfortunately, she was puny in the dream, and her hits only stunned the raccoons for 10 seconds or so. Eventually Whorace disappeared, leaving poor Mary Jane to fight the nasty raccoons all by her lonesome. By this point they were mad and getting harder to hit (much like the games in arcades). When MJ half-awoke from her dream, she could dream-hear the raccoons trying to get into the second-floor window – those climbing bastards! All she could see were those poor little raccoons’ heads she now felt very guilty about hitting all those times. But the poor little raccoons were rabid now, and very very angry and MJ for hitting them so much. Just when she was in mortal danger of one of the rabid, gross, fat, lazy but agile raccoons actually getting into her room, she real-heard the real Whorace going about his normal morning business. Mary Jane was relieved!

Unfortunately her alarm was set to go off half-hour late, so the real nightmare began when she realized that she had to bust her ass to get to work on time.

THE END

Story Part Two: Possums and Raccoons

Part Two:

MJ went to college and two years later moved in to an awesome house. In this awesome house, there are two back doors. Also, in this awesome house's backyard, raccoons tend to hang around because they are garbage eating mongrels. In MJ's opinion, raccoons are just as evil, vindictive, ugly, and slightly terrifying as possums.

One night, MJ and her new roommate, Charlie (also a female, FYI), were watching "Idle Hands" in the living room (of the awesome house). "Idle Hands" is a funny stoner/kinda scary genre of movie. MJ, being a girl who does not ever and has not ever enjoyed or watched scary movies, was a little on edge.

ALL OF THE SUDDEN, at probably the scariest part of the movie, MJ jumps at a sound behind her. One of the back doors is rattling. Charlie says "whats that?!" with a look resembling some kind of terror. MJ goes "it sounds like someone's trying to get in!"

The fastest they've moved since coming to college, Charlie and MJ bolt up the stairs with MJ yelling "REGINALD, THERE'S NOISES...SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE'S TRYING TO GET IN!!"

Reginald comes out of his bedroom looking somewhat pissed, tired, and has a look on his face that clearly says 'WTF do these girls want from me?! I'm busy dammit.' The girls exclaim "Reginald, there's a noise, it sounds like someone's trying to get into the living room of this awesome house!"

"Fine, let me put a shirt on at least, I can't get fight marks on my beautiful, manly chest."

So the trio goes downstairs with Reginald at the front. First, he looks out the window and doesn't see anything. Then, as the girls follow him to the other back door, of the awesome house, there is a not-so-awesome, gigatic, fat, lazy, gross raccoon waiting for him. Reginald bravely jumps back from the door, scaring MJ and Charlie to death.

Reginal asks, "its just a raccoon, why didn't you just look out the window?" The girls replied that they were too scared, after all, the awesome house is located in West Philly. Charlie admired the raccoon and babbled about how cute it was, while Reginald just shook his head and wondered how he came to live with two such girls. MJ made threats to borrow Billy Bob's .22 and shoot all the stupid raccoons that ever came back to eat her trash. She thought about how disgusting, fat, lazy, scavengeous, agile, and slightly terrifiying raccoons are. And the worst part was, she lived on the second floor of the awesome house. Which was where the raccoons were climbing towards, knocking against the back door.

...to be continued...

Story Part One: Possums and Raccoons

Hello all,

Today for my 3 blog entries to catch up from the weekend, I have decided to entertain you with 3 stories which are related. Sorry, they are about my life, which this blog is not about. So I'm going to use code names - even for myself! There will be one for after lunch and one for right before 5...enjoy!

Part One: Possums and Racoons
When little Mary Jane was growing up, she and her brother, Billy Bob, used to explore the woods. They grew up kind of like Native Americans - i.e. everything in nature is sacred and special. So, when little Mary Jane grew up and learned how to drive, she carefully avoided hitting animals. Not only because her little car would be hurt, but because it would be very sad to kill an animal just for being on the road.

Inevitably, one day, little Mary Jane was riding home with Billy Bob and she hit a possum. After freaking out for 5 minutes, screaming on the verge of tears while Billy Bob laughed at her, she had to go back to see if the possum was okay. One U-turn later, MJ found that the possum had limped off to the side of the road. She also saw that not that much blood was spilt, which reassured her. Billy Bob laughed and jeered about how the possum was gonna die. MJ was really upset. She had visions of the possum coming back to punish her.

So, that night in her sleep, MJ had nightmares about possumes and their icky teeth and their horrible little eyes and the long, digging claws. She did not sleep very well and vowed to try to kill as many possums as possible, because they are horrible little creatures.

...to be continued....

rain delay

There's been a rain delay...on account of rain and sleep and stuff to do.
It's Saturday, go do something fun!

I promise three new by Monday at the latest.

Oh and thanks to Srav for the dinosaur comic yesterday :)

Fire and Ice

Also, since I'm in central PA, where Robert Frost was conceived (I know because in another life I still lived here and was a peeping tom) I thought I'd share one of the very very few poems I actually like.

Fire and Ice

Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I've tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To say that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice.

I'll let you decide what it means for the age old question of will the world end? And if it does will it end in fire or ice?


In other news, parking now cost 1 dime for 1 hour and parking tickets are a whole $5 in central PA. This is an incredible and awesome fact. See, the cost of living really does vary from place to place!


Also, this dinosaur discusses the age old question "should I get a tattoo or will I regret it?"

I'll also let you come up with whatever conclusion you want about tattoos. In this day and age they seem to be losing their taboo. But, will it come back soon, just like the old fashions keep recycling? Well if all of the sudden tattoos become unpopular again, at least all the tattooed fools can hang out together. They won't be oppressed alone!!!

the things that happen in central pa

So, today I'm home. A couple of things happen at my house that probably don't happen anywhere else with any regularity. First, I came home late last night and the door was unlocked. But, no biggie, because no one's gonna break in, and if anyone did try to break in, they wouldn't be smart enough to check the front door!
Second, I'm making pancakes today and the phone rings about 6 times (no lie). Three of the phone calls has to do with this lady in our church who will probably die today. (Take a moment of silence.) Anyway, this is pretty funny because it happens all the time. I think we get more phone calls about people leaving this world than some morticians do! And my dad doesn't have a cell phone, so he can't be reached. I'm pretty sure (actually positive) that this is by design so he can't be reached unless he's at the church or here at home. My daddy's smart!
Third, I was reading the newspaper from yesterday (because who knows where today's went). We have this section called "The Open Line" where people can call in and have their opinions posted. It is by far the biggest attraction for stupid people that I know of. I laugh at a lot of them, but sometimes I lose my faith in human intelligence. For example: this guy called in about how its not fair that most gas stations in the area are putting ethanol in with the gas - OMG UP TO 10%!!!!! And how since they're using corn, it's making food prices higher.
Excuse me moron, listen up. First of all, they grow special corn for ethanol, and they pay farmers to do it, and its not corn that is supposed to be eaten by the general public. Second, food prices are going up because food has to be shipped to the grocery store. Hmmm, how do they ship it? Well, they sure as hell don't have a pneumatic tube system under all the grocery stores from all the factories, farms, and OTHER COUNTRIES. I guess they must use gas and trucks and planes and oil to ship it. Maybe that's why the prices are going up! Not to mention the overpopulation and stuff going on.

Okay, enough of a rant. I'm sure I could come up with about 930820347 other unique things that happen, and maybe I will tomorrow. But for now, get back to doing important things with your time!

P.S. My brothers on this webpage in the picture!
http://lewistownsentinel.com/

numero uno

I thought I'd create this so that people could read it when they were bored or procrastinating. Also, I need a somewhat creative outlet. So here it is...

I plan to place random pieces of information, stories, and funny stuff. A myriad of things to appeal to almost everyone - and to help us break out of the monotony that basically defines life when friends aren't around. (Btdubs, the word "aren't" just got a red underline for me - crazy spell checker).

"Stooping" is a Philly thing. They decided to build all these houses really close together and cram as many people as possible into a house, hence the term rowhouses. So, "stooping" refers to sitting on the stoop in front of your house because your house is too close to the sidewalk to have a porch, and the basement ceiling would be too low if there weren't like 4 or 5 steps up to the house. (Weren't also just got spell-checked, seriously, wtf?)
Anyway, hence the url for this blog. The stoop provides a break to get a little fresh air and a little more perspective on life. It also is a good place to socialize, eat, people watch, and generally have a good time.

Join me in my online "stoop" sessions. Besides, its gonna get cold out soon and I'm only going out on the stoop with a blanket.

:)